fifteendozentimes: (Default)
fifteendozentimes ([personal profile] fifteendozentimes) wrote2011-06-10 12:00 am

BBB Fic: Recognize Myself (Jon/Ryan)

Title: Recognize Myself
Author: [personal profile] fifteendozentimes ([livejournal.com profile] hector_rashbaum
Band(s): The Young Veins (with appearances from Empires, The Like, and Panic! at the Disco)
Pairing(s): Jon/Ryan
Word Count: 21,482
Rating/Warnings: Abortion, the body dysmorphia issues of a trans man (which in this instance means some body hatred, some discomfort about sex, and a rejection of femininity), stoned sex in which one party makes it clear he would not consent when sober. Extended warnings here
Summary: Jon Walker came out as transgender when he was thirteen years old, and has spent every day of his life since then building walls and perfecting his sense of denial and doing everything in his power to forget he was every anyone but Jon. Over a decade, he's gotten pretty good at it.

Unfortunately, denial can only go so far, and when Jon ends up in a situation he can't get through with his usual coping mechanisms, he starts pushing not to forget who he was, but accept who he is.

Author's Notes: I absolutely could not have done this without the cheerleading, handholding, whip-cracking, and beta-ing of [livejournal.com profile] mayqueen517 and [personal profile] verbosewordsmith. What started as a universe I poked around in to deal with my own body dysmorphia issues is only a coherent fic now because of them.

I have posted other work in this universe; it is absolutely not necessary to read it in order to understand this fic, but it's some extra backstory if you're interested. I have a lot to say about this fic, and I will spare you most of it, but if you're interested in my motivations for writing, or what I was trying to say, or in further information about trans dudes, you can find my extended notes here.

Prologue
Part One
Part Two


Bonus Tracks/Enhanced Content

Fanart:
"Ryan's smile is big and dopey and chocolate-smeared, and it would just be stupid not to kiss him." by [livejournal.com profile] moku_youbi

Fanmix(es):
Recognize Myself by [livejournal.com profile] iamthelolrus

Just a note....

(Anonymous) 2011-06-13 04:32 am (UTC)(link)
I don't want to be rude, but I was kind of offended by the use of the word transsexual right in the summary. You don't "come out" as transsexual or realize that you are transsexual, you realize that you are transgender. "Transsexual" is a term that refers to post-op trans-people. Sex and gender are not the same thing; your sex is just physically what you are.
torachan: (Default)

Re: Just a note....

[personal profile] torachan 2011-07-01 05:43 am (UTC)(link)
You didn't misunderstand. Many people do use the word just the way you did. For example, I know people who consider themselves transsexual but adamantly not transgender, despite not having had any surgery. (They would, in fact, be very offended if you called them transgender.)

In my head, I consider both words interchangeable, but to some people they are very different, so there can really be no consensus about who is "right".

(All of which is not to say "omg you shouldn't have apologised!" but just to say it's not as cut and dried as the anon seems to think.)

T

(Anonymous) 2011-11-16 01:06 pm (UTC)(link)
Why did Jon get off T?