fifteendozentimes (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fifteendozentimes) wrote2014-05-28 02:42 pm
fifteendozentimes) wrote2014-05-28 02:42 pm
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Hello Dreamwidth! I am still a living person, which all of you know because we interact elsewhere on the internet, but.
I have had a thing in my head that could really only happen long-form, and not Tumblr long-form, but it's been a massive source of anxiety for me so I gave myself a deadline, which was nebulously "before Wiscon", and then missed the deadline, obviously, but the good thing about missing it is I actually feel much more comfortable talking about this post-Wiscon, so here we are.
Anyway! As those of you who saw me at Wiscon and/or in the month or so prior already know, I am no longer using male pronouns and I am going by Heidi again, no longer Paul.
It's been kind of a long process, made super complicated in a bunch of ways by the way I approach queer identity in general and my own identity in specific and the way I have my life organized into discrete spheres and how I need different things in different spheres and a bunch of other stuff that I think would make for some really interesting conversations if I ever unpack it all to a point I feel comfortable talking about it?
(Also complicated by the fact that I have been specifically accused of being a fake trans dude by someone I considered a friend, so for quite a while my thought process was, genuinely, "I guess I will be Paul/he sometimes and Heidi/she sometimes and if I am uncomfortable when I'm Paul at least I won't be proving anybody right", so that was fun)
So, yes, main takeways: Heidi, not Paul, she, not he, and this is an evolution of an identity, not a retraction of a lie.
(Other takeaway: I might start using DW again)
I have had a thing in my head that could really only happen long-form, and not Tumblr long-form, but it's been a massive source of anxiety for me so I gave myself a deadline, which was nebulously "before Wiscon", and then missed the deadline, obviously, but the good thing about missing it is I actually feel much more comfortable talking about this post-Wiscon, so here we are.
Anyway! As those of you who saw me at Wiscon and/or in the month or so prior already know, I am no longer using male pronouns and I am going by Heidi again, no longer Paul.
It's been kind of a long process, made super complicated in a bunch of ways by the way I approach queer identity in general and my own identity in specific and the way I have my life organized into discrete spheres and how I need different things in different spheres and a bunch of other stuff that I think would make for some really interesting conversations if I ever unpack it all to a point I feel comfortable talking about it?
(Also complicated by the fact that I have been specifically accused of being a fake trans dude by someone I considered a friend, so for quite a while my thought process was, genuinely, "I guess I will be Paul/he sometimes and Heidi/she sometimes and if I am uncomfortable when I'm Paul at least I won't be proving anybody right", so that was fun)
So, yes, main takeways: Heidi, not Paul, she, not he, and this is an evolution of an identity, not a retraction of a lie.
(Other takeaway: I might start using DW again)
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This is a massive thing, as you said, which probably means my tipsy reading of 'before wiscon' as 'before Wilson' is something I should not admit to, but i'm not great at that filtering thing. In any case, I'm glad you're doing what's right for you, and I'm around on DW or twitter if you ever want to talk about anything (including Nicole Anderson in any of her roles!) at any time!
<3
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I would be really interested to read complicated thoughts about identity, should you ever want to share them long-form. And I'm sorry to hear you got identity-policed by someone who should have been a friend.
(p.s. I think it was you who said I should definitely watch Sleeping Beauty? Even if I'm wrong, your squee definitely contributed to my excitement about watching it pre-Maleficent. That's my plan for tonight, or maybe tomorrow.)
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