BBB Fic: Recognize Myself (Jon/Ryan)

[fifteendozentimes]

Title: Recognize Myself
Author: fifteendozentimes (hector_rashbaum
Band(s): The Young Veins (with appearances from Empires, The Like, and Panic! at the Disco)
Pairing(s): Jon/Ryan
Word Count: 21,482
Rating/Warnings: Abortion, the body dysmorphia issues of a trans man (which in this instance means some body hatred, some discomfort about sex, and a rejection of femininity), stoned sex in which one party makes it clear he would not consent when sober. Extended warnings here

Summary: Jon Walker came out as transgender when he was thirteen years old, and has spent every day of his life since then building walls and perfecting his sense of denial and doing everything in his power to forget he was every anyone but Jon. Over a decade, he's gotten pretty good at it.

Unfortunately, denial can only go so far, and when Jon ends up in a situation he can't get through with his usual coping mechanisms, he starts pushing not to forget who he was, but accept who he is.

Author's Notes: I absolutely could not have done this without the cheerleading, handholding, whip-cracking, and beta-ing of mayqueen517 and verbosewordsmith. What started as a universe I poked around in to deal with my own body dysmorphia issues is only a coherent fic now because of them.

I have posted other work in this universe; it is absolutely not necessary to read it in order to understand this fic, but it's some extra backstory if you're interested. I have a lot to say about this fic, and I will spare you most of it, but if you're interested in my motivations for writing, or what I was trying to say, or in further information about trans dudes, you can find my extended notes here.

Prologue
Part One
Part Two

Bonus Tracks/Enhanced Content

Fanart:
"Ryan's smile is big and dopey and chocolate-smeared, and it would just be stupid not to kiss him." by moku_youbi

Fanmix(es):
Recognize Myself by iamthelolrus

Comments

Re: Just a note....

[fifteendozentimes]

Thank you for commenting; I ID as transsexual despite the fact that medically transitioning isn't feasible in my near future, and I've been anxious since anon commented about inadvertently hurting people with the way I talk about my identity.