fifteendozentimes (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fifteendozentimes) wrote2011-02-17 12:58 am
fifteendozentimes) wrote2011-02-17 12:58 am
WIP Amnesty: Just Trying To Stay Warm (Jon/Ryan; Bandom)
"WIP" isn't the right term for this; it's done, it's just not a complete fic. It's basically a pile of snapshots; there's a story in there somewhere, but there's no emotional arc, no problem to resolve and nothing that resolves it. Jon's assigned female at birth, comes out as transsexual fairly young, and begins transitioning in high school.
Some casual misogyny in the "scoffing at things that are 'girly' sense.
They're the best things Jon's ever seen, the ten or so straggly dark hairs on his chin. And for once, he's almost glad for seventeen years in this stupid body. Because if his parents had raised him as a boy, it obviously wouldn't have been his mother's job to teach him about shaving, and he's pretty sure his dad wouldn't have bothered (needed, really) to explain away myths about how to look like you never grew hair that had to be gotten rid of in the first place.
But, fuck, whether shaving makes hair grow more or just look like there's more, any little bit helps, and Jon plans to shave that shit every day until he's sporting a beard that'd make Santa Claus (or at the very least, Tom) jealous.
*
It's a fight, not a big one but a long one, when Jon asks to switch schools, to spend his senior year somewhere nobody knows the summer after freshman year the teachers (some of them, most of them, not all, at least not until his parents got involved) started calling him Jon and there was a fight about a "girl" using the boys' locker room.
The counselor Jon's doctor made him go through before he'd start hormone therapy talked a lot about suicide; the people in the support group his parents insist he go to talk about getting kicked out of their parents' homes, getting their asses kicked in school. Jon knows he's lucky, but the house is tense and uncomfortable for two weeks and he's just about to give in, say he can handle one more year of being stared at, of the "mistakes" people make calling him she, her, Anne, when his dad sits down and says Jon can transfer if he gets a job to help pay for it.
The guy who sits next to Jon in his new first period class, Andy, is the first person to ever call Jon "Dude".
*
The Panic kids weird Jon out, a little. It's not their fault, they're nice enough guys, just, they're so girly, and maybe it's not fair but it leaves a little bit of a bitter taste in Jon's mouth that just because Ryan Ross' dick is attached he can laugh it off when people call him a girl. They're nice kids - guys, he has to stop thinking of them as kids, Ryan's his age - and it's not exactly their fault they were born with all the right parts in all the right places, just, Jon spent a long time studying how boys act, spends a long time making sure nothing about him says "feminine" in any way, and the makeup and flowers and pink shirts kind of rub it in his face how little effort they have to put in, how much they take it for granted.
Still, Jon likes to think he's not a total asshole, and the longer the tour wears on, the worse whatever issue they're having with Brent gets, the more tired and stressed out they look, the harder it is to be mad at them for something they didn't really do.
*
When the call comes, Jon thinks for a minute, a long minute, about spending his time teching for a band that, William sometimes aside, are a bunch of beer-swilling fart-joke-loving Guy's Guys, about Panic and their makeup and their pink shirts and their flowers; Pete says, "We can find someone else, it's cool."
It's not the first time Jon has felt guilty for the way he thinks of the Panic guys. He tells Pete to shut up, he'll do it.
When Ryan asks him to sign on permanently, the look in his eyes is half hopeful and half "I know you're going to say yes, asking is just a formality". It's a weird mix, and it doesn't give Jon time to get weird about permanently associating himself with the girliest guys he's ever met.
*
"Absolutely not," Jon says, and for a second he thinks Ryan might throw the eyeliner pencil at him. He'll do ruffles, as long as the shirt they're on is still obviously a men's shirt, and he'll do flowers on his obviously-men's blazer, and he'll even do the tight pants as long as none of them expect him to wear girl pants like they do, but makeup - Jon didn't even do makeup before he told his parents he wanted to talk, he wasn't a girl, he felt like he was going to explode if one more person ever called him "Anne".
"You knew what you were signing on for," Ryan says, without throwing anything, and maybe it's fair for him to be annoyed, Jon's been kind of a dick about his vision or whatever, but. It's not like Jon doesn't have lines for a reason. He could tell them, maybe, explain exactly why he's uncomfortable, but dammit, he's put a lot of work into keeping the people who know to a bare minimum.
"Does it seriously matter that much? Who's gonna even know I don't have it on?"
"We will," Spencer says, and Jon is seriously trying not to be an asshole, so if this is some kind of fucking loyalty test - whatever. Fuck.
"I - fuck. I'll wear it - just the eyeliner - on one condition."
Nobody argues about the beard. Jon sees a few people online call him the "real boy" in Panic, and he probably shouldn't feel so good about that, considering what it implies about the other three, considering how shitty he should think it is to call anyone a "fake" boy, but he can't deny it makes it a little easier to put the fucking makeup on.
*
There's a running joke on the Circus tour that Jon's a never-nude, which is almost true but not really something he wants anyone noticing, commenting on. There's a perfectly good reason no one in this band has ever seen him in less than an undershirt and boxers, just not one he's going to be telling anyone any time soon.
"What if they think I'm, like, scared of gay cooties, or something?"
"Are any of them even actually gay? I'm pretty sure they don't actually think you won't strip in front of them because you're worried about their uncontrollable gay lust."
"Yeah. But."
Tom rolls his eyes. "So what if they do? You can let them think you're a dick, or know you're trans, and I already know which one you're gonna go with."
"They probably don't actually think I'm having a gay freakout," Jon says, after a pause. Tom just rolls his eyes again.
*
The whole cabin thing is awesome for two reasons - it's been long enough since Jon's top surgery he's almost totally comfortable walking around shirtless (and if the guys notice, which they must, they don't say anything), and he starts fucking around with Ryan.
Jon's not exactly gay, but he's not exactly straight, either; Ryan has soft lips and the same tendency Jon has towards wanting to make out when he's stoned. Ryan also tends to get too distracted when he's both high and getting off to notice the bulge Jon grinds against his thigh isn't ever actually hard.
Well. He doesn't notice for a while, anyway.
*
Ryan isn't supposed to be down by the lake alone, because it's honestly absurd how often he manages to fall in and no one wants to listen to him complain for three days about another ruined outfit, but it's where Jon finds him. And that's fine, that's great, because Brendon and Spencer are grilling at the cabin so there's no way they'll come down here, and Jon's not sure this is a talk he can have when there's a chance anyone other than Ryan will hear.
"Like, I keep just thinking maybe you have one of those lines, like you can do some things without thinking of it as gay, but not others, but why the fuck would giving head be on the not-gay side of the line and not, y'know, getting head?"
Jon just shrugs, tries to skip a rock across the flat surface of the lake and fails. He doesn't - maybe this isn't a conversation he can have even if it is just Ryan.
"I mean, if you don't want to do stuff, you can just stop, right? You - like, you don't think I'm gonna freak out, or, I dunno, try and kick you out of the band, or whatever, right?"
"I don't think you're a rapist, Ryan, what the fuck."
"Well, just, you're so resistant to getting off. You definitely don't act like we're messing around because you want to."
"I get off."
Jon doesn't need to be looking at Ryan to know he just rolled his eyes. "Okay, whatever, resistant to dick-touching." Ryan gets up, brushes the dirt off his pants; Jon still doesn't look at him. "Whatever. It's just - we can stop, it was just, y'know. If it's not fun for you."
"I'm transsexual," Jon says, in a rush, waits for - fuck, he doesn't even know what he's waiting for, he hasn't ever - all the people who know are people who had to know, are people who knew Anne.
"Uh," Ryan says, and he doesn't sit back down but he doesn't walk away, either, and it doesn't sound like he's gearing up to say anything horrible. "Like - like you - what, like you dress up like a girl sometimes?"
And that's just - Jon laughs, he doesn't mean to but he can't help it, it bubbles up out of his chest and once he's started he can't stop. And Ryan still doesn't sit back down, but he still doesn't walk away.
"That's transvestite," he says, finally, rubs his hands over his eyes.
"Okay."
"I don't," Jon starts, pauses. "I'm not - I wasn't - "
Ryan sits back down, then, or at least he starts to, crouching so he doesn't get dirt on the pants he'd already wiped off. He reaches out, stops with his hand halfway to Jon's shoulder like he's not sure he's allowed to touch, and he looks so unbearably awkward Jon weirdly feels better.
"I don't have a dick for you to touch," he says, turns so he's looking at Ryan straight on instead of out of the sides of his eyes for the first time since Jon sat down.
"Oh," Ryan says, and then, "oh. So - oh."
Jon has to look away, then, back out where the sun is starting to set over the water. It's too bright, hurts his eyes, but he can't look back at Ryan. He waits for Ryan to say something else, to ask questions Jon won't want to answer, to say something so incredibly stupid Jon won't be able to look at him without hearing it ever again, but Ryan doesn't say anything, and neither of them move until Brendon starts hollering that if either of them want food they have ten minutes before Brendon and Spencer eat it all.
*
The next week or so is weird; Jon had gotten used to falling asleep with Ryan, waking up with him, spending way too much time together during the day, but Jon just feels a little too exposed around Ryan right now. It's not as awkward as it could be, though, Ryan doesn't treat him any differently and if Jon's acting weird, it's not weird enough for Brendon or Spencer to notice or comment on.
Jon and Spencer smoke up on the roof, because they're geniuses and shit looks pretty cool from that high up, and then they have trouble getting off the roof, because they're idiots. Jon and Brendon write a song about cats and dogs, and fight over how it should sound, and then stop fighting when Ryan tells them it's stupid and they have a common enemy (even if it is stupid, incredibly stupid). And Jon doesn't talk to Ryan unless it'd be weird not to, and Jon doesn't let himself be alone with Ryan so Ryan can't ask questions (Ryan won't ask in front of the guys, Ryan's good with people's secrets as long as he's not mad at whoever's secrets they are), and he sleeps alone and wakes up alone.
Brendon and Spencer go shopping on a Wednesday, say they're going stir-crazy and need to get out and do something. And Jon's more bored than he is worried, at least for now, so he goes to find Ryan. Who's sitting on the couch in the living room, looking at -
"What the fuck?"
Ryan jumps about a foot in the air when Jon starts talking, slams his laptop shut so hard Jon's pretty sure he broke it. Which is absolutely what he deserves.
"Uh. There's no graceful way out of this, is there?" Ryan turns on the couch so Jon's looking at his face instead of over his shoulder.
"You - no, what the fuck, no."
"I wasn't - "
"If I've awakened some gross kink you didn't know you had, well, awesome for you, but shemale porn is actually really fucking insulting so if you could keep that shit private, that would be fucking nice."
Ryan's eyes go wide. "No, I wasn't - I was - I googled 'transsexual sex' and that's all it showed me. Well. And some stuff about surgery, and transsexual girls. But not - I just - "
"Why," Jon starts, even though maybe it should be obvious. He's not giving Ryan the benefit of the doubt right now. "Why were you googling 'transsexual sex'?"
"Uh, because I want to have sex with you, and you're, y'know."
"That is - actually almost as cute as it is weird, what the fuck."
Ryan smiles hopefully. "I - "
"Don't talk," Jon says. "You'll ruin it."
*
"I just don't get how that even does it for you," Ryan says against Jon's neck, running his fingers up and down Jon's back.
"You don't get how grinding my dick on you would get me off? There's this thing called friction, and - "
"No, like, because it's not - "
"If you say 'it's not a real dick', I'll punch you in yours."
"Okay," Ryan says, and actually shuts up long enough for Jon to shift over so he's not crushing Ryan, long enough for Jon to start to fall asleep. And then, because he's Ryan, he ruins it. "I could fuck you."
"No," Jon says, maybe a little sharper than he meant to because now he's wide awake. "You can't."
"Okay. I - can we at least do this naked, sometime?"
"You can get as naked as you want."
Ryan sighs a little. "I'm not trying to be a dick, it's just, like, I just feel weird that you're, y'know, blowing me and stuff, and you're stuck humping my leg."
"I like humping your leg," Jon says, thinks about telling him this is actually the most Jon's gotten off with another person in his entire life. Ryan already knows too much about Jon, though. "And I like sleeping."
"You could fuck me," Ryan says, like he didn't hear the last part. "Like you could buy - get, you could get a boner."
Jon kind of wants to kiss him for correcting himself, which is ridiculous, because thinking before you say shit is, like, baseline decent behavior. Still, it's Ryan, and Ryan thinking even after he speaks is kind of a novelty.
"I'm going to sleep," Jon says, but he's thinking maybe.
*
"I was thinking," Ryan says, stretched out on the grass near the lake with his head on Jon's stomach. "The whole makeup thing. Isn't really gonna work with this sound."
"Because wolves don't wear makeup."
Ryan props himself up a little, looks at Jon like he's being stupid. "I just meant. I know. That was a thing for you. So."
"I was kind of okay with it, by the end," Jon says, and doesn't realize until it's out of his mouth that he means it, what it means that he means it.
Ryan blinks in surprise, but shrugs and settles back down. "You don't have to be okay with it," is all he says.
*
Jon has felt sexy exactly once in his life.
He stayed with Ryan for a week before they left for the cabin, and the first day they went to the beach was the first day he'd ever gone out in public without a shirt on. There were these girls who kept looking at him while he was taking a walk, looking at him and then looking away and giggling. And for once, for the first time, Jon looked down at himself and didn't see my nipples aren't the right size, didn't see my dick's not attached, didn't worry that from that close up he could still see some scarring, or what if his harness slipped, wasn't in the right place, made it obvious there was something off about the bulge in his swim trunks. Jon looked down and saw a guy, a pretty attractive guy, even. He didn't talk to the girls, but he waved and smiled and even winked, and wondered how they'd feel if they knew exactly what they'd just given him.
Jon is standing in the bathroom that sits between his bedroom and Ryan's, hair damp and just beginning to curl at the ends. He's tan from spending so much time at the lake, on the roof, and there's a hard dick poking out from the slit in his boxers.
When he steps into the bedroom, Ryan's eyes go wide for just a second, before he knocks himself off the bed in his rush to get naked.
Jon has felt sexy twice in his life.
Some casual misogyny in the "scoffing at things that are 'girly' sense.
They're the best things Jon's ever seen, the ten or so straggly dark hairs on his chin. And for once, he's almost glad for seventeen years in this stupid body. Because if his parents had raised him as a boy, it obviously wouldn't have been his mother's job to teach him about shaving, and he's pretty sure his dad wouldn't have bothered (needed, really) to explain away myths about how to look like you never grew hair that had to be gotten rid of in the first place.
But, fuck, whether shaving makes hair grow more or just look like there's more, any little bit helps, and Jon plans to shave that shit every day until he's sporting a beard that'd make Santa Claus (or at the very least, Tom) jealous.
*
It's a fight, not a big one but a long one, when Jon asks to switch schools, to spend his senior year somewhere nobody knows the summer after freshman year the teachers (some of them, most of them, not all, at least not until his parents got involved) started calling him Jon and there was a fight about a "girl" using the boys' locker room.
The counselor Jon's doctor made him go through before he'd start hormone therapy talked a lot about suicide; the people in the support group his parents insist he go to talk about getting kicked out of their parents' homes, getting their asses kicked in school. Jon knows he's lucky, but the house is tense and uncomfortable for two weeks and he's just about to give in, say he can handle one more year of being stared at, of the "mistakes" people make calling him she, her, Anne, when his dad sits down and says Jon can transfer if he gets a job to help pay for it.
The guy who sits next to Jon in his new first period class, Andy, is the first person to ever call Jon "Dude".
*
The Panic kids weird Jon out, a little. It's not their fault, they're nice enough guys, just, they're so girly, and maybe it's not fair but it leaves a little bit of a bitter taste in Jon's mouth that just because Ryan Ross' dick is attached he can laugh it off when people call him a girl. They're nice kids - guys, he has to stop thinking of them as kids, Ryan's his age - and it's not exactly their fault they were born with all the right parts in all the right places, just, Jon spent a long time studying how boys act, spends a long time making sure nothing about him says "feminine" in any way, and the makeup and flowers and pink shirts kind of rub it in his face how little effort they have to put in, how much they take it for granted.
Still, Jon likes to think he's not a total asshole, and the longer the tour wears on, the worse whatever issue they're having with Brent gets, the more tired and stressed out they look, the harder it is to be mad at them for something they didn't really do.
*
When the call comes, Jon thinks for a minute, a long minute, about spending his time teching for a band that, William sometimes aside, are a bunch of beer-swilling fart-joke-loving Guy's Guys, about Panic and their makeup and their pink shirts and their flowers; Pete says, "We can find someone else, it's cool."
It's not the first time Jon has felt guilty for the way he thinks of the Panic guys. He tells Pete to shut up, he'll do it.
When Ryan asks him to sign on permanently, the look in his eyes is half hopeful and half "I know you're going to say yes, asking is just a formality". It's a weird mix, and it doesn't give Jon time to get weird about permanently associating himself with the girliest guys he's ever met.
*
"Absolutely not," Jon says, and for a second he thinks Ryan might throw the eyeliner pencil at him. He'll do ruffles, as long as the shirt they're on is still obviously a men's shirt, and he'll do flowers on his obviously-men's blazer, and he'll even do the tight pants as long as none of them expect him to wear girl pants like they do, but makeup - Jon didn't even do makeup before he told his parents he wanted to talk, he wasn't a girl, he felt like he was going to explode if one more person ever called him "Anne".
"You knew what you were signing on for," Ryan says, without throwing anything, and maybe it's fair for him to be annoyed, Jon's been kind of a dick about his vision or whatever, but. It's not like Jon doesn't have lines for a reason. He could tell them, maybe, explain exactly why he's uncomfortable, but dammit, he's put a lot of work into keeping the people who know to a bare minimum.
"Does it seriously matter that much? Who's gonna even know I don't have it on?"
"We will," Spencer says, and Jon is seriously trying not to be an asshole, so if this is some kind of fucking loyalty test - whatever. Fuck.
"I - fuck. I'll wear it - just the eyeliner - on one condition."
Nobody argues about the beard. Jon sees a few people online call him the "real boy" in Panic, and he probably shouldn't feel so good about that, considering what it implies about the other three, considering how shitty he should think it is to call anyone a "fake" boy, but he can't deny it makes it a little easier to put the fucking makeup on.
*
There's a running joke on the Circus tour that Jon's a never-nude, which is almost true but not really something he wants anyone noticing, commenting on. There's a perfectly good reason no one in this band has ever seen him in less than an undershirt and boxers, just not one he's going to be telling anyone any time soon.
"What if they think I'm, like, scared of gay cooties, or something?"
"Are any of them even actually gay? I'm pretty sure they don't actually think you won't strip in front of them because you're worried about their uncontrollable gay lust."
"Yeah. But."
Tom rolls his eyes. "So what if they do? You can let them think you're a dick, or know you're trans, and I already know which one you're gonna go with."
"They probably don't actually think I'm having a gay freakout," Jon says, after a pause. Tom just rolls his eyes again.
*
The whole cabin thing is awesome for two reasons - it's been long enough since Jon's top surgery he's almost totally comfortable walking around shirtless (and if the guys notice, which they must, they don't say anything), and he starts fucking around with Ryan.
Jon's not exactly gay, but he's not exactly straight, either; Ryan has soft lips and the same tendency Jon has towards wanting to make out when he's stoned. Ryan also tends to get too distracted when he's both high and getting off to notice the bulge Jon grinds against his thigh isn't ever actually hard.
Well. He doesn't notice for a while, anyway.
*
Ryan isn't supposed to be down by the lake alone, because it's honestly absurd how often he manages to fall in and no one wants to listen to him complain for three days about another ruined outfit, but it's where Jon finds him. And that's fine, that's great, because Brendon and Spencer are grilling at the cabin so there's no way they'll come down here, and Jon's not sure this is a talk he can have when there's a chance anyone other than Ryan will hear.
"Like, I keep just thinking maybe you have one of those lines, like you can do some things without thinking of it as gay, but not others, but why the fuck would giving head be on the not-gay side of the line and not, y'know, getting head?"
Jon just shrugs, tries to skip a rock across the flat surface of the lake and fails. He doesn't - maybe this isn't a conversation he can have even if it is just Ryan.
"I mean, if you don't want to do stuff, you can just stop, right? You - like, you don't think I'm gonna freak out, or, I dunno, try and kick you out of the band, or whatever, right?"
"I don't think you're a rapist, Ryan, what the fuck."
"Well, just, you're so resistant to getting off. You definitely don't act like we're messing around because you want to."
"I get off."
Jon doesn't need to be looking at Ryan to know he just rolled his eyes. "Okay, whatever, resistant to dick-touching." Ryan gets up, brushes the dirt off his pants; Jon still doesn't look at him. "Whatever. It's just - we can stop, it was just, y'know. If it's not fun for you."
"I'm transsexual," Jon says, in a rush, waits for - fuck, he doesn't even know what he's waiting for, he hasn't ever - all the people who know are people who had to know, are people who knew Anne.
"Uh," Ryan says, and he doesn't sit back down but he doesn't walk away, either, and it doesn't sound like he's gearing up to say anything horrible. "Like - like you - what, like you dress up like a girl sometimes?"
And that's just - Jon laughs, he doesn't mean to but he can't help it, it bubbles up out of his chest and once he's started he can't stop. And Ryan still doesn't sit back down, but he still doesn't walk away.
"That's transvestite," he says, finally, rubs his hands over his eyes.
"Okay."
"I don't," Jon starts, pauses. "I'm not - I wasn't - "
Ryan sits back down, then, or at least he starts to, crouching so he doesn't get dirt on the pants he'd already wiped off. He reaches out, stops with his hand halfway to Jon's shoulder like he's not sure he's allowed to touch, and he looks so unbearably awkward Jon weirdly feels better.
"I don't have a dick for you to touch," he says, turns so he's looking at Ryan straight on instead of out of the sides of his eyes for the first time since Jon sat down.
"Oh," Ryan says, and then, "oh. So - oh."
Jon has to look away, then, back out where the sun is starting to set over the water. It's too bright, hurts his eyes, but he can't look back at Ryan. He waits for Ryan to say something else, to ask questions Jon won't want to answer, to say something so incredibly stupid Jon won't be able to look at him without hearing it ever again, but Ryan doesn't say anything, and neither of them move until Brendon starts hollering that if either of them want food they have ten minutes before Brendon and Spencer eat it all.
*
The next week or so is weird; Jon had gotten used to falling asleep with Ryan, waking up with him, spending way too much time together during the day, but Jon just feels a little too exposed around Ryan right now. It's not as awkward as it could be, though, Ryan doesn't treat him any differently and if Jon's acting weird, it's not weird enough for Brendon or Spencer to notice or comment on.
Jon and Spencer smoke up on the roof, because they're geniuses and shit looks pretty cool from that high up, and then they have trouble getting off the roof, because they're idiots. Jon and Brendon write a song about cats and dogs, and fight over how it should sound, and then stop fighting when Ryan tells them it's stupid and they have a common enemy (even if it is stupid, incredibly stupid). And Jon doesn't talk to Ryan unless it'd be weird not to, and Jon doesn't let himself be alone with Ryan so Ryan can't ask questions (Ryan won't ask in front of the guys, Ryan's good with people's secrets as long as he's not mad at whoever's secrets they are), and he sleeps alone and wakes up alone.
Brendon and Spencer go shopping on a Wednesday, say they're going stir-crazy and need to get out and do something. And Jon's more bored than he is worried, at least for now, so he goes to find Ryan. Who's sitting on the couch in the living room, looking at -
"What the fuck?"
Ryan jumps about a foot in the air when Jon starts talking, slams his laptop shut so hard Jon's pretty sure he broke it. Which is absolutely what he deserves.
"Uh. There's no graceful way out of this, is there?" Ryan turns on the couch so Jon's looking at his face instead of over his shoulder.
"You - no, what the fuck, no."
"I wasn't - "
"If I've awakened some gross kink you didn't know you had, well, awesome for you, but shemale porn is actually really fucking insulting so if you could keep that shit private, that would be fucking nice."
Ryan's eyes go wide. "No, I wasn't - I was - I googled 'transsexual sex' and that's all it showed me. Well. And some stuff about surgery, and transsexual girls. But not - I just - "
"Why," Jon starts, even though maybe it should be obvious. He's not giving Ryan the benefit of the doubt right now. "Why were you googling 'transsexual sex'?"
"Uh, because I want to have sex with you, and you're, y'know."
"That is - actually almost as cute as it is weird, what the fuck."
Ryan smiles hopefully. "I - "
"Don't talk," Jon says. "You'll ruin it."
*
"I just don't get how that even does it for you," Ryan says against Jon's neck, running his fingers up and down Jon's back.
"You don't get how grinding my dick on you would get me off? There's this thing called friction, and - "
"No, like, because it's not - "
"If you say 'it's not a real dick', I'll punch you in yours."
"Okay," Ryan says, and actually shuts up long enough for Jon to shift over so he's not crushing Ryan, long enough for Jon to start to fall asleep. And then, because he's Ryan, he ruins it. "I could fuck you."
"No," Jon says, maybe a little sharper than he meant to because now he's wide awake. "You can't."
"Okay. I - can we at least do this naked, sometime?"
"You can get as naked as you want."
Ryan sighs a little. "I'm not trying to be a dick, it's just, like, I just feel weird that you're, y'know, blowing me and stuff, and you're stuck humping my leg."
"I like humping your leg," Jon says, thinks about telling him this is actually the most Jon's gotten off with another person in his entire life. Ryan already knows too much about Jon, though. "And I like sleeping."
"You could fuck me," Ryan says, like he didn't hear the last part. "Like you could buy - get, you could get a boner."
Jon kind of wants to kiss him for correcting himself, which is ridiculous, because thinking before you say shit is, like, baseline decent behavior. Still, it's Ryan, and Ryan thinking even after he speaks is kind of a novelty.
"I'm going to sleep," Jon says, but he's thinking maybe.
*
"I was thinking," Ryan says, stretched out on the grass near the lake with his head on Jon's stomach. "The whole makeup thing. Isn't really gonna work with this sound."
"Because wolves don't wear makeup."
Ryan props himself up a little, looks at Jon like he's being stupid. "I just meant. I know. That was a thing for you. So."
"I was kind of okay with it, by the end," Jon says, and doesn't realize until it's out of his mouth that he means it, what it means that he means it.
Ryan blinks in surprise, but shrugs and settles back down. "You don't have to be okay with it," is all he says.
*
Jon has felt sexy exactly once in his life.
He stayed with Ryan for a week before they left for the cabin, and the first day they went to the beach was the first day he'd ever gone out in public without a shirt on. There were these girls who kept looking at him while he was taking a walk, looking at him and then looking away and giggling. And for once, for the first time, Jon looked down at himself and didn't see my nipples aren't the right size, didn't see my dick's not attached, didn't worry that from that close up he could still see some scarring, or what if his harness slipped, wasn't in the right place, made it obvious there was something off about the bulge in his swim trunks. Jon looked down and saw a guy, a pretty attractive guy, even. He didn't talk to the girls, but he waved and smiled and even winked, and wondered how they'd feel if they knew exactly what they'd just given him.
Jon is standing in the bathroom that sits between his bedroom and Ryan's, hair damp and just beginning to curl at the ends. He's tan from spending so much time at the lake, on the roof, and there's a hard dick poking out from the slit in his boxers.
When he steps into the bedroom, Ryan's eyes go wide for just a second, before he knocks himself off the bed in his rush to get naked.
Jon has felt sexy twice in his life.
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